10) Avoiding: Blatantly disregard any and all signage because you are above such things. This includes the hours for the facility, the time limits on equipment, which lanes are used for what, etc. If you are going to workout class, show up right in the middle and require assistance of some sort.
9) Grunting: When lifting, do not merely gasp for air or softly groan. If you do that, no one will be able to tell what a stud you are or how hard you are working. You need to make it sound like you’re giving birth to a herd of elephants.
8) Stinking: Avoid antiperspirant like the plague. If you do try to mask that sweaty smell, use organic deodorant that gives your body odor an apricot flavor. Another option is making your own deodorant at home and telling everyone one how self-sufficient and sustainable you are.
7) Puddling: Get so sweaty that you looked like you just escaped a particularly violent monsoon, drip all over the equipment, and neglect to wipe it up. Don’t even pretend to look for a towel or act like you forgot, just defiantly stare down anyone you suspect of challenging you.
6) Drinking: Don’t just drink protein powder in the comfort of your home, take it to the gym and actually mix it on one of weight benches to ensure that it is absolutely the right consistency and was not affected by the three mile drive to the gym.
5) Coughing: Even if you are at death’s doorstep, you must not miss a workout. When you get to the gym start by running a few laps and cough in regular intervals so that your contagion will be spread consistently like pollution from the tailpipe of a 94’ Taurus.