Top Ten Ways to Annoy People at the Gym

30 Nov

10) Avoiding: Blatantly disregard any and all signage because you are above such things.  This includes the hours for the facility, the time limits on equipment, which lanes are used for what, etc.  If you are going to workout class, show up right in the middle and require assistance of some sort.

9) Grunting: When lifting, do not merely gasp for air or softly groan.  If you do that, no one will be able to tell what a stud you are or how hard you are working.  You need to make it sound like you’re giving birth to a herd of elephants.

8)  Stinking: Avoid antiperspirant like the plague.  If you do try to mask that sweaty smell, use organic deodorant that gives your body odor an apricot flavor.  Another option is making your own deodorant at home and telling everyone one how self-sufficient and sustainable you are.

7) Puddling: Get so sweaty that you looked like you just escaped a particularly violent monsoon, drip all over the equipment, and neglect to wipe it up.  Don’t even pretend to look for a towel or act like you forgot, just defiantly stare down anyone you suspect of challenging you.

6) Drinking: Don’t just drink protein powder in the comfort of your home, take it to the gym and actually mix it on one of weight benches to ensure that it is absolutely the right consistency and was not affected by the three mile drive to the gym.

5) Coughing: Even if you are at death’s doorstep, you must not miss a workout. When you get to the gym start by running a few laps and cough in regular intervals so that your contagion will be spread consistently like pollution from the tailpipe of a 94’ Taurus.

4) Ogling: If you see someone attractive of the opposite gender, especially if they are clad in spandex, jump on the treadmill directly behind them and make it clear you’re not watching Dancing with the Stars.  Likewise, if you are a guy, stand outside Zumba class pretending to look for your sister or contemplating the merits of joining yourself.

3) Talking: Take your cell phone to the gym and answer every single call: preferably ones from the office, particularly angry relatives, or various government agencies.  Furthermore, spend five minutes on each piece of equipment while you text your friend to find out the name of that one song by that one guy on American Idol.

2) Snogging: Just like any good relationship, really annoying people at the gym requires serious commitment from couples. It’s one thing to drive to the gym together or to spot each other lifting weights, but we are talking about full contact canoodling.  It is ideal if you can do this in the middle of the gym while obstructing as many pieces of workout equipment as possible

1) Hovering: Stand as close to the person working out as possible without getting sued and stare intently at them while you wait for them to get off the machine.  Better yet, do this at 9:00 at night when the only people in the gym are the bedraggled housewife, the friendly Asian women, and the bald guy who looks like a bouncer.

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